Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Some thoughts on Death.......

So Not only did I think of my daddy last night after I saw a motorcycle I also got a visit from him in my dream last night.... It was so nice to see him again! And while I should feel better because I got to see him..... I feel a little sad and just kinda having a hard time getting up for the day.... I am not sure why this is so upsetting for me at this particular moment, I mean I think of him at least once a day or every few days and smile :) I know he's up there watching over me, but I just feel sad.... I guess thats okay as long as its done after a few hours :P

I just got to thinking about all the nice things that were done for our family The next two weeks after my fathers unexpected death.... I just can't remember if I ever said thank you..... so then I started thinking about all these people who were there for me, and my family and I get to trying to remember if I did thank them????? Am I crazy, because I can't remember if I thanked everyone going on 13 years ago?!??! So I want to thank you again.... There were so many of you that were there, you comforted my grandmother and grandfather, my Fathers sisters and Brothers, My mom and Step mother and us (His children) I used to think of only the parts I didn't like.... Which was pretty much all of it! I hated the fact that he was gone! I didn't like the way he left, I felt embarrassed, sad, and really PISSED off....There is a lot that is still a blur, like either I was just removed from my body at that time or maybe i just shoved it deep down inside me and its not ready to come to surface yet!  I hated that people would say "They're Sorry" (To this day I TRY not to ever say that to anyone grieving.... I am sorry too, but I hate when someone just says "I'm sorry for your loss") I was 15 years old when my father passed away..... I had just written him a letter asking him why he was never there.... Why I saw him drive by on his motorcycle but he didn't stop? Didn't he love me? Didn't he want to spend time with me???? Why did he tell me he was coming but then wouldn't come? I had so much pain and I was so mad with him.... I wrote him this letter and then He died..... and then My Step brother blamed me and said that it was my fault he got drunk that night!!!!! It was my fault, "He was SO UPSET when he read your letter!" "You hurt his feelings very bad"

I held on to this guilt for so long!!!! I killed my father.... I killed my father by telling the truth about how I felt..... :(

Since then..... I have learned alot about my father, about the things he did and the things he saw, and went through.... He was a Vietnam Veteran! He was a Husband to three beautiful women, (Different times of course) He was the Father to four beautiful children. He had alot of great qualities about him, and there was so much he probably wishes he could do again.... or do over. I love my father regardless of how much he was here for me, or what happened... that is in the past, i love him for giving me life.... For giving me the opportunity to live and make this beautiful family of mine. Theres so much more I could say about him.... I could talk about him for days.... Theres still so much I DON"T know about him....

I love to listen to stories about my father, as a child, a teenager, a man..... I love hearing about him and what he really was before the Alcohol and the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.....  Even during that time, he was quite an interesting man :)

Because of my father I have a passion for helping others, for promoting "No Drinking and Driving" for helping others through depression and for being a role model to young adults who may have every reason to go down the wrong path..... I have a passion to help.... before its too late.

Well I don't know where this Blog Article was supposed to go, now that I read back it has many directions.... All about my father but to sum it up.... I feel sad today, I miss him very much, THANK YOU so much if you were here for us during his death, and funeral and after, Guilt, and help.....

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