Sunday, November 17, 2013

Moments.....

I've struggled with depression on and off all my life... its just something thats always been there in the bottom of my being somewhere... its funny because when people see me or hear about my struggles with this Emotional disturbance, they're often very surprised. At any rate for some reason Its normally this time of year that I start to just feel really down... Nothing in particular ever happened in November that makes me sad.... I just always get this overwhelming want to cry, take some time off just to sleep, hide away from the rest of the world and just hibernate for a bit.... Does anyone else get this way? Its not just November sometimes it just creeps up on me and it lasts an hour, sometimes a few days, weeks but EVERY year its definitely there at some point in November... its true I've written it down in my journals...

I feel really odd confessing this. But depression is no joke, it makes you feel down, unworthy, paranoid, sad, emotional, makes you wonder what you're doing with life, or if you're doing it right... Most of the time depression makes you feel like you can't do anything right, and that anytime someone tries to talk to you (With Good Intentions) You feel like they're picking on you, judging you and telling you that you're just not doing it right, or its not good enough...

When you write something like "Behind this smile...." or "I smile but...." I know exactly how you feel I do the same thing. its really hard for me to write this, its like i'm admitting my biggest weakness. I have a fear of judgement or people looking at me differently. But with all the suicide and the HUGE amount of depression both treated and untreated all around us, I thought I'd reach out, I suffer from it too! I have thought about a life without me in it... (Not recently) But I did get that bad... I was so "Proud" that I couldn't tell anyone just how bad I felt so I went untreated for a long time until I actually scared myself. Thats when I got help and OMG that was so hard to admit...

The truth is you don't really fool anyone... But you definitely shouldn't fool yourself. It happens to the best of us... It could happen on whats supposed to be the best day of the year... For whatever reason it happens I just need you to know you're not alone. I don't know who will read this but I hope if you do you realize that when you're feeling down and out, upset, sad, depressed you have people you can call, and if pride is keeping you from it, just don't let it get so bad you hurt the ones who love you the most by punishing them with the loss of you... Suicide is selfish, it proves nothing, It just hurts everyone.  We've lost too many already to suicide... I've lost a few great friends, people I loved so much. Its the hardest thing... there are no answers... there are always questions and there is always someone who feels just like you or has at one time in life..... The storm will calm down, life will continue, eventually you'll wonder why you felt so bad... But living is the only way to go... No matter how bad it feels now, it will get better.

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